By: Jack Sellwood
Posted: July 26, 2023

I don’t know what life is becoming. I can’t tell if I ought be sad or happy. Thaddeus is going thru a lot right now and that’s really hard for me. My heart is heavy like I’ve lost him. I haven’t, but it feels that way. I don’t have a big problem or thing I’m investing myself into and that’s weird. What do I do with all this energy? Just walk and write a lot? Maybe that’s sufficient—I don’t know. The sonder of the barbie movie, of comedians in cars getting coffee, of downtown at 9am on a Thursday or a Friday at 12pm. The life of people. I miss having a family and I feel like an orphan. The visits with Johnny/Jojo in LA are no more. And trips as core fam are certainly over. There’s a heavy sadness that I avoid best with work-career or otherwise. And I think I’m done and over that. I think I’m ready to let the sadness in and to feel its parts and its hurts. But also its joy. This sadness loves Blueline, At Home, Thaddeus, and lunch at Via Farina in the afternoons. The places and people remind me of the accrued value and form of family. Family is such an indescribably difficult thing to create. It takes so many years of effort—and sacrifice. You must choose because you can’t have it all. And I’m not sure how to do that—create family. Because you either move or breakup. Change hits you and freezes your heart. And that bitter cold is a self conscious arrest. How do you bring back the laughs or the dead? I’m just not totally ready for all of the change—it’s a lot. Stay and settle in—let my heart put down roots or move and discover luster again. Infinite roadtrips. I know these aren’t all exclusive but it feels that way. My thawing heart believes there’s an ultimatum. It wants one so it can predict. But there’s no predicting. And I guess heart is all tears. Tears for the beauty, sonder, and then tears of loss and change. I guess the heart is the best signal of meaning. It pangs—up and down–in and out—when it lets the world in. And it echoes with these things around it. You feel the heart and you know this is real. And the sadness means there’s heart. And so you do heart and you get beauty and this new compass. But the compass pangs and pings and pulls northward towards home.